How To Manage A Difficult But Valuable Team Member
Many teams have a solid producer who, at times, can behave in an arrogant and off-putting way. This might look like ignoring others’ views, making sarcastic remarks, or actively putting down another peer.
As a Group Head, you can ignore this behavior for only so long.
While you value their results, you will lose credibility with your broader team if you turn a blind eye.
You have a dilemma: Manage these toxic outbursts or eventually fire the difficult but valuable team member.
Here’s how to retain a difficult but valuable team member and manage their occasional outbursts, without demoralizing the rest of your team.
THE MANAGER’S SCRIPT (Summary):
Lapses in behavior are best addressed within hours or days of an incident. Here is a four step process to efficiently address the offensive behavior in the moment, and prevent it from recurring in the future.
(Deeper dives on the each scripted question below.)
I noticed you were dismissive of the group’s feedback in the Investment Committee. Are you aware of how you were coming across?
[Brings Awareness]While you’re entitled to your opinion, I am telling you this is how it landed… and it IS a problem.
[States the Reality]Are you aware this is a problem that you need to address?
[Asks employee to Acknowledge the Reality]While I hear your perspective, what is YOUR plan to deal with this Problem?
[Empowers employee to take Ownership]
NOTE: Some difficult but valuable employees may put the blame back on others, debate your feedback, and deny that their behavior was out of line. (This point of resistance is discussed in more detail below.)
Sometimes getting to where the team member accepts that they are at fault is really difficult. So Stage 1 may be getting them to accept that what others perceive is their Reality, therefore change is necessary regardless of what they think (and that there will be consequences if change doesn’t occur.)
This chart visualizes two key axes you want to address:
The employee must accept the “Reality” that his peers are offended by his behavior (versus a delusional debate that it’s somehow ok).
The employee must Own the Process and fully buy-in to the work (versus you trying to convince them). You can think about a visual of “who’s carrying the rock” — you or the employee?
MANAGER’S GOAL: Get my “difficult but valuable team member” to 1) Acknowledge the Real impact of his negative behavior and 2) Own his plan to improve it. Or at least accept that perception is reality and his outward presentation must change.
A deeper dive on each step of the Manager’s Script follows in the sections below:
Step 1: Make Employee Aware of the Offending Behavior
MANAGER SCRIPT 1:
“I noticed you were dismissive of the group’s feedback in the Investment Committee. Are you aware of how you were coming across?”
Instinctually, you know when someone is out of line. In the moment, you wince — hoping the tone will soften. As it continues, the discomfort of the team becomes palpable.
The Psychology: by directly naming the offending moment, you are getting ahead of a stubborn guy who likes to generalize, debate or disagree. It is difficult to dispute the reality of a specific example.
Step 2: Don’t Engage In Debate
MANAGER SCRIPT 2:
“While you’re entitled to your opinion, I am telling you this is how it landed… and it IS a problem.”
The resistant Employee might counter:
“I don’t agree” - strategy of debating reality.
“I didn’t do that / that’s not what happened” - strategy of denial.
“My peers views were off / well I’m right” - strategy of doubling down.
“I didn’t mean to do that, my apologies” - sometimes this can seem like a genuine apology, but for the repeat offenders, it’s merely a strategy of thin apology to make this go away.
The Psychology: Debate is a strategy defensive people use to distract your attention from the reality at hand. We are here to focus on reality: they were obnoxious and out of line. Don’t get sucked into debating reality with them.
Step 3: Ask The Employee To Acknowledge The Reality of the Problem
MANAGER SCRIPT 3:
“Are you aware this is a problem that you need to address?”
The defensive producer may resist:
“I don’t really think this is a problem” - denial.
“I think you’re blowing this out of proportion” - minimization.
“It won’t happen again” - deflection.
I’m sorry you found what I said offensive - blaming others, rather than accepting responsibility, versus: I’m sorry what I said was offensive.
This is a CRITICAL MOMENT. The average manager will give in to the protest and debate… and drop the conversation, hoping the employee got the gist.
At this point, you have a few choices:
If the employee acknowledges “the problem” - move on to Step 4.
If the employee refuses to acknowledge reality, ask them to sleep on it and come back to you.
If the employee continues to argue, get the employee to accept that “what others perceive is reality” and therefore change is necessary (as there will be consequences if change doesn’t occur).
Or if #3 doesn’t sink in, pen a formal letter with HR which describes the incident and asks for a Performance Improvement Plan. Sometimes it takes seeing it in writing to pierce delusional thinking. This reality (on paper) may make a mighty producer angry, but it’s often the jujitsu which shifts the burden to the employee. All of a sudden, the employee has a dilemma (not the manager): try to improve in line with the written request, or face the possibility of being let go. This is a key existential moment for the most stubborn difficult but valuable team members.
The Psychology: Obnoxious or aggressive behavior is usually the fragile ego at work. An unhealthy Ego feeds on achievements to validate one’s superiority to their peers. At the end of the day, everyone is part of the same team and organization, and no one team member is superior to / more valuable than another. Yet the ego wants to live in this fantasy of superiority in order to feel like they exist. You don’t want to debate with the ego which is clinging to the fantasy story. You must bring the employee “into reality” where the conscious, intentional mind can elect to moderate the behavior of the ego.
Step 4: Let The Employee Carry The Rock And Own His Plan For Improvement
MANAGER SCRIPT 4:
“While I hear your perspective, what is YOUR plan to deal with this Problem”
Now that you’ve (1) brought the behavioral Problem to the employee’s Attention, and (2/3) the employee has Acknowledged the Problem, it’s time to let the employee take the reigns and Own his Plan for Improvement.
By asking the team member an open-ended “how are you planning to deal with this” — you are energetically putting the ball in their court.
They might sputter a bit “I’m not really sure” or “what do you think?” (Both bait to have to propose a plan they can debate or disown).
Resist the urge to provide a plan. Let them wrestle a bit with the reality of the problem and survey their friends and family on how to fix it. This is an important moment to squash any ambivalence they may have around acknowledging and owning the problem.
We want to keep you out of the “motivating” game. You’re busy. You’ve already spent enough time coaching them. It’s their turn to carry the ball.
Ask them to check in with you in a week, with a written email of their plan. And then check in monthly to report about about their progress.
The Psychology: individuals “own” plans they author. If you are trying to convince someone of the benefits of changing, it might work for a short period, but the individual is likely to stop improving the second they feel you aren’t looking. It can be hard for a difficult but valuable person to Acknowledge and Own reality. When ingrained coping defenses are unconsciously driving behavior, this is the time to call in a professional third party.
As an independent third party, I often help managers and “difficult but valuable team members” navigate this complex riddle.
Change doesn’t occur overnight, but with the right setup, we can realize more value together without the historical friction.
Additional Reading
The Lies We Tell Ourselves, How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life, by Jon Frederickson, MSW
BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, by George Simon Jr, Ph.D.
Laurence Franklin, Independent Advisor, Board Member and Investor transforming internationally renowned consumer brands.
